Men to Avoid

I wish someone would have shared this with me long ago. After a 1 AM phone call from an ex last night I wish some men would just learn. Will he ever stop saying he was young he didn't know any better? Yeah so was I, so what, it still does not justify the hell you put me through for years. Sorry I got wise and moved on and that crushed your heart, how do you think mine felt through 4 years of a cheating man who claimed to love me? Lets not start comparing heartaches I'll beat you every time. Apparently he forgot what I went through, or apparently he just doesn't care. I'm sick of the I didn't know what I had till it was gone, but you said you loved me and you left me. Yeah I did love him but apparently our definitions of love were lost in translation somewhere along the line. I'm better without him, so stop with the 1 and 2 AM I miss you trying to get some, is there any chance phone calls, that chapter has been closed for years move on. Oh and for the record I know about your girlfriend the one you haven't claimed for the last year, yeah her I'm sure she would love to know you're still calling. Some things never change, like some men's ability to tell the truth. I can be your friend but I don't want to be you "friend". Thanks but no thanks. Bitter, who me, NEVER. Ladies here's some pointers please take heed.


MEN TO AVOID. PERIOD.

1.His idea of talking dirty in bed is telling you he has a cock.

2.If he wants to cook you a romantic dinner on the second date, he's cheap.

3.The guy who believes a "meaningful conversation" includes quoting The Simpsons, Ben Stiller flicks, and any trilogy.

4.He owns anything Sean John, and lounges in velour. Ew.

5.If he paws at his balls and responds with a, "Ohhh, yeah, those are ripe." He'll probably always prefer the smell of his own soggy balls and farts to your perfumed skin. Be the umpire and throw his foul balls out.

6. He drinks pink adult beverages claiming he's fine with his sexuality. You'll have to fight over your china pattern, bedding fabric, and candle scent. And he'll critique your shoes.

7.If he favors generic vanilla wafer cookies, just-add-water products, and frozen chicken wings, your life together will be as slow as the people who work at Duane Reade.

8.If he refers to himself as "pappi" get a restraining order.

9.If he rides the cart at the supermarket, and you're hoping he'll grow out of it once your basket is filled with Luvs, find another love.

10.He says he's got a lot of stuff to do first thing the next morning… playing the quelle cool-hand-luke card. "A lot of stuff" involves "taking a shit." Period.

11.When he examines all the flatware and then polishes it with his napkin while you're out to dinner, he's a control freak who will obsess over the organization of your entire life, right down to the coat closet.

12.If the Ken in your life calls you "dude," or emails "whut up?" send him Skippers way. He's not ready for Barbie.

13.His idea of clever is, "I'm just joshing." You might want to keep this one around, actually. You'll lose at least five pounds of holiday bloat with all the vomiting.

14.The Oral Sex South Beach Dieter: if he won't eat carbs, he'll suck at eating you in bed.

15.His "cool wardrobe" consists of the windows of Banana Republic and Brooks Brothers. He doesn't know from risks, and your life together will be dreary.

16.If he whines, squeals, or giggles, you'll have to constantly remind yourself he's not the one with the ovaries.

17.If his face turns red and he gets tight-lipped when you kick his ass at Scrabble, he's a loser in more ways than one.

18.The 007 who convinces you he's suave with his half-stand at the dinner table, myriad hard-to-obtain-reservations, and imposing vocabulary until you hear him whine to his mother.

19.If he can't IM you and still get his work done, he's a horrible multi-tasker; you'll never achieve simultaneous orgasms.

20.He pulls a loose strand of hair aside for you, tucking it behind your ear on the second date. It's his power move, and it's never sincere.

21.He still wants to go to Turks & Caicos Club Med. Enough said.

22.If he doesn't put the moves on by the end of the third date, he's terrible at closing other deals, too. Take heed.

23.Bankers or hedgefunders who still consider themselves bankers past the age of 29; they're insecure and hopelessly dull.

24.Surgeons. They've got a sloppy God complex that spills over into their social lives.

25.Any white guy who busts into ghettochat just because he plays b-ball, knows guys who work the door, or listens to jazz.

26.The never-been-married post 40-year-old man whom romantically claims to still want a wife and kids. He's holding out for an imaginary perfect 10 and will never be happy.

27.Any guy that a) has a musical instrument but has never played professionally (save for the acoustic guitar because that's just HOT), b) has a canvas and paints but never been in a gallery, c) has truffle oil but is not a chef at a restaurant; he is only marginally talented, and you'll be forced to enjoy his "talents" in awe for too long.

28.The guy who openly deprecates gifts of jewelry; he thinks every girl is after his money even though he doesn't earn half as much as most men in Manhattan. He's not WORTH your time.

29.He claims to be a metrosexual aloud. He's gay.

30.He stares in the mirror. He's not only, as you would suspect, obsessed with his looks; he's trying to casually check out the other woman across the bar. He'll never be satisfied with just you.

31.He already knows the words to Gavin DeGraw songs. He's too effeminate to spank you in bed.

32.He's obsessed with his balls because he's got nothing else going on.
Men with bottles of "thinning hair" shampoos and sprays. He likely takes Propecia and has no seex drive.

33.A man who excuses himself from the table, saying he has to "tinkle." Oy.

34.When you're upset over something he has done, he claims, "But I'm just a dumb boy, not worthy of your emotions." Believe him.

35.He's sensitive and wants to talk about your relationship all the time.

36.Thread count notwithstanding, some things are just too soft, and soft doesn't do us much good in the bedroom. I don't care what he's read in Cosmo.

37.A man who trims. Hoping it will look bigger; but, here's a newsflash, it'll always feel small.

38.A man who when you mention Astroglide replies, "Oooh, the one with the purple cap? That shit's the bomb."

39.Anyone who says, "the bomb," "nizzle," or "bi-atch."

40.If he shaves, waxes, or lazers his arms, legs, or chest and isn't a professional swimmer or diver, swim away.

41.Any man who wears a class ring, pinky ring, or metal necklace. Run.
He quotes Shakespeare, reads the Iliad for fun, and doesn't just own, but uses, drink coasters. He'll want to see your wedding dress before you actually buy it to ensure it's up to snuff.

42.He has a subscription to Maxim or Gay Men's Health; he's still in college.

43.If when you go out for sushi, he always orders chicken teriyaki, you've got a chicken shit on your hands with no sense of adventure.

44.Avoid any man who speaks with his mother more than twice a week; he might as well still be milking.

45.He invests in a Sports Club L.A. membership to only use the elliptical and treadmill. He's shallow, and his idea of introspection is picking his nose.

46."Wait did I tell you this already?" is his code for "I'm dating a lot of other women, even though I'm going to pretend we're exclusive by avoiding 'the talk.'"

47.He says "fine" then sleeps with the ex-girlfriend that broke his heart.

Hope you enjoyed.